John 2:24: Full Disclosure?

Impressions are vitally important in the Church, it seems. We must make sure that people think we are spiritual, or at least desirous of being spiritual. We want them to believe our families are attaining all the right goals and ideals. We hope that people see us as if we have it together in our marriages, our jobs, and most of all in our walk with Christ.. - Pastor Craig Miller[1]

The acronym TMI tells me that I am sharing Too Much Information-details not appropriate for the situation or audience. Sometimes things come out of my mouth that members of my family wished were not a part of public discourse. Maybe it is about them. Or maybe it is about me that makes them question if their is (or should be) a familial connection.

Why? Because we want to control how other people perceive us and some "information" gives people the wrong impression. We (or, at least, I) want people to think that I am smart, compassionate, and in touch with modern culture. This is impression management - "a self-crafted means of getting others to believe what we want them to believe about us — but not necessarily believing what’s true."[2]

Not just for the insecure or precipitously famous, impression management is a skill that we all develop because we quickly learn that people react to you based on what they see rather than who you are.

We can see this in marriages. Vernon Edmonds used the term marriage conventionalization: "The extent to which a person distorts the appraisal of his marriage in the direction of social desirability."[3] That is, how hard does each spouse work to create the impression that you have the marriage that everyone else expects you have.

So there is this tension between, on one hand, wanting to be authentic with people and, on the other, knowing that not everyone can be trusted. One only has to remember what was repeated inadvertently by our kids in public. Church people can be a tough crowd because they have a whole other set of expectations. Even Jesus dealt with this tension:

But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all people. - John 2:24

Keeping a close watch on him, they sent spies, who pretended to be sincere. They hoped to catch Jesus in something he said... - Luke 20:20a 

Ok. That makes me feel a little better. Why? Because they barely knew him. They weren't committed to him or, worse, were actively against him. Disclosure is tied to trust. Later, when he had spent three years with a group of twelve guys apprenticed to him, he finally said:

I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. - John 15:15

Even then, it hurt, because one sold him out, one denied him and the rest abandoned him in fear. But Jesus established circles of disclosure: the three (Peter, James, John), the twelve, the seventy-two (Luke 10), and then the crowd. In each circle, Jesus is authentic but not exhaustively so. The transfiguration is for the three (Matthew 17); his high-priestly prayer (John 17) for the twelve, his commission (Luke 10) for the seventy-two; the parables for the crowd.

Why? Jesus spoke what was necessary for those who heard, at the time they were ready to hear it. 

Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. - Matthew 7:6

Often Jesus would tell a story to one group, but only give the detailed explanation to his disciples. Again, authentic disclosure, but different levels of disclosure.

How does this work in life?

1. Speak with purpose. Your life story is meant to be used for God's glory. Not for yours.
2. Speak truth, but only as much as will make sense, given the listener's familiarity with your character and life situation.
3. Speak with compassion. Are you practicing hearing your words as if you were them?

I'm still working on how this works out and have that my modeling of another person's situation is often flawed so that what I intended for good is sometimes useless or even harmful. This is humbling and makes me grateful for the insight and words given by the Spirit of God to translate my good intentions into words that match.

[1] Pastor Craig Miller, The Road to Wholeness Is Blocked By Good Impressions, The Village Pastor (blog), https://gbcvillagepastor.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-road-to-wholeness-is-blocked-by.html, retrieved on May 7, 2017
[2] John Ortberg, The Life You've Always Wanted, Zondervan (2002)
[3]Vernon H Edmonds, Marital Conventionalization: Definition and Measurement, Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol. 29, No. 4 (Nov., 1967), pp. 681-688

James 1:19: "Yes, And" Attitude

One of the famous axioms of improvisational comedy is the use of the phrase "Yes, and" at the start of your response to what another person says. As Scott McDowell describes it, "No matter what your fellow actors present to you, instead of negating it, belittling it, or disagreeing with it, your job is to say, “Yes, and…”  Accept the scenario as it’s presented to you (regardless of where you wanted it to go), and then to add to it. "[1]

I first heard this phrase in a valedictorian speech for my daughter's graduation. But, while some business thinkers have grabbed on to this as a tool for brainstorming[2], it has become my new proverb for listening well.

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry - James 1:19b

How does "Yes, and" help with that?

1. It reminds me to reaffirm what I just heard and indicate that I agree. I don't always agree, but I find that 90% of the time, I actually do agree, but was too impatient to say so in my hurry to move on to the following implications. Being an engineer, I like to optimize my conversations with other people and build on what they have just said, taking their previous statement as a given. Fewer words. But it doesn't always work. Many times I have found that my partner in conversation doesn't take that for granted. They are often left trying to parse my words to discover whether I am agreeing or disagreeing with them. A simple word "Yes" tells them I heard them, I have understood what they said and that we are substantially on the same page. Then the word "and" lets them know I am building on that thought.
2. Thinking about "Yes, and" as my default response allows me to try another person's perspective. In my job, there was a plan that management was considering that I thought was foolish; putting our company in a vulnerable position. The objection was a roadblock from my considering the other issues related to our course of action. My boss called me into is office and said, in effect, "So, if we do this, how do we give the company the best chance at success?" I said, "It is so dumb..." He said, "Yes, yes, but assuming that this is what we're going to do, what can we do to give us the shot?" Defaulting to Yes, and" forces me to consider seriously what it would mean to agree with the assumptions that someone else is putting forward and what it would mean for me to build on top of that. Considering that slows me down and gives me a better view.
3. It lessens the chance of getting angry. Why is it that my default responses start with "No" or "Yes, but..."? In the midst of a discussion my focus can switch from finding a solution to winning the argument. How often has my need to be right has led me to say "No" for no other reason than to set myself apart from another person? Because I didn't like them or my feelings had been hurt, I was determined to not be "Yes, and" with them. It also avoids Hanlon's Razor, "Never attribute to malice that which is better explained by stupidity" (and, I would add) ", even my own."

Of course, I don't always agree. I don't want to mislead. I want my "yes" to be yes (Matt. 5:37) But starting from "Yes, and" and then deciding if I want to change it leads to better listening, more careful consideration of other possibilities and fewer angry situations.

[1]Scott McDowell, The “Yes, And…” Approach: Less Ego, More Openness, More Possibility, http://99u.com/articles/7183/the-yes-and-approach-less-ego-more-openness-more-possibility, retrieved on May 5, 2017
[2]"Yes, and...", https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yes,_and..., retrieved on May 5, 2017

Hebrews 13:2: Treat People As Permanent Features Of My New Life

Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. - Hebrews 13:2

It is easy to write off (or tell off) people on the road. After all, you may never see them again. You don't know them and they don't know you. Cashiers, attendants, ushers, ticket takers, pedestrians, fellow elevator travelers--so many people flow past us, their roles and our interactions prescribed by job, geography, time and cultural convention. The way we treat these people--they are people, not just roles or functions--shows what we think of God.

This is obvious in the way we treat strangers. The Bible reminds us that the "stranger" can be the messenger of God. Strangers might be angels (Heb. 13:2), or Jesus himself (Luke 24:13ff) or a fellow traveler. Jesus said, "...I was a stranger and you invited me in...whatever you did for the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." (Matt. 25:35)

How does this work in real life? My friend and colleague, Kevin Davis, taught me one way in my job: "Treat the people with whom I interact as permanent features of my new life."[1] We both travel a lot for work, and there are tons of interactions with customers, potential customers, overseas co-workers, hotel staff and restaurant workers. We may see them again in a few months, or maybe never again.

But Kevin uses each visit as a chance to start a relationship or build on one. "...[T]reat everyone as a permanent friend. Learn as much about them as possible. Keep a little spot in your heart just for them. Your heart will grow to make room for all of them," he said. Why? "At one point I realized that every person can teach me something new if I let them."

So, make the effort to reserve space--to learn, to care. It can be frustrating, because I want to, but it is not my natural tendency. I am too often friendly, but not interested in being a friend.

Lord, prompt me to build relationships with those passing through until it is my habit and then my character; not to gain me anything except what you would teach me through them.

[1]More about this by Kevin at The Day (https://medium.com/happy-trails-yall/the-day-c232dc59b540), retrieved on April 30, 2017.

Jeremiah 10:23-24: Lord, Change Me Gently

I know, Lord, that our lives are not our own. We are not able to plan our own course. So correct me, Lord, but please be gentle. Do not correct me in anger, for I would die. - Jeremiah 10:23-24 (NLT)

Since I was a younger man, I have remembered one request I that made to God: Lord, change me gently; don't break me. I wondered whether this was the coward's path to spiritual transformation; or a purgatory without epiphanies; or what God had intended when he set up the whole sanctification business in the first place for sinners like us.

Now I see that Jeremiah was wondering the same thing. He wants correction, but he wants to survive the process. The gentleness he refers to isn't ignoring or diminishing the core character issues, but emphasizes God's actions towards his children, as opposed to those who prey upon his children (see verses 25-26)[1] As the traditional Jewish definition of justice has it, "To each person what he deserves; to each one what is appropriate."[2]

Nearly 30 years later, I can say that I am both happy and frustrated by my prayer. Many of the same issues are still there. They don't go away; I combat them daily. But many are gone, replaced by the fruit of God's spirit. Would I change my prayer? I don't think so. I'm too afraid to try it the other way, but I'm also too afraid to stay the way I am. Thank God that he plans my course.

The one who calls, calls as to his son. I trust in that.

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 3:14

[1] The phrase "please be gentle" is the NLT's way of dealing with the interpretive question of the difference between "justice" that Jeremiah wants for himself (cf. "in justice", ESV, NASB) and the "anger" he wants for his enemies. "Gentle" tries to express this contrast in terms of control. Where as "gentleness" is "strength under control", the nations receive the "pouring out of wrath" in the following verses. But I think that the NIV's rendering "in due measure" captures the sense better. In this sense, Jeremiah is saying, in effect, my sins deserve fair punishment (as someone who loves God, but has failed him). This is in contrast with the nations (who do not know God and devour Israel), who deserve so much more.
[2] As cited in Joy At Work, Dennis W Bakke (2005)

Jeremiah 7:24: My Retrograde Heart

But they did not listen or pay attention; instead, they followed the stubborn inclinations of their evil hearts. They went backward and not forward. - Jeremiah 7:24

One of the dangers to the calling of any follower of Jesus is the retrograde heart. My heart tends to fall back and not fall forward. My heart is (as the dictionary says) "tending toward or resulting in a worse or previous state." That influence--my heart's influence--just puts me in a spiritual spin cycle.

Rich Mullins captured it well in his song, The Maker of Noses, when he said:

And everyone I know wants to go there too
But when I ask them how to do it they seem so confused
Do I turn to the left?
Do I turn to the right?
When I turn to the world they gave me this advice 

They said boy you just follow your heart,
But my heart just led me into my chest
They said follow your nose
But the direction changed every time I went and turned my head
And they said boy you just follow your dreams
But my dreams were only misty notions
But the Father of hearts and the Maker of noses
And the Giver of dreams He's the one I have chosen
And I will follow Him

At the same time, the Spirit is renewing us day by day (2 Cor. 4:14), fulfilling God's promise that our heart of stone would be displaced by a heart of flesh (Eze. 34:36). So the spiritual discipline of solitude is designed to remove distractions so that we can hear the quiet voice of God that we are so unaccustomed to hearing. For me this most readily happens on long business flights or long drives with the radio turned off.

Now, the cynical among us might dismiss this searching for a "still, small voice" as wish fulfillment or self-talk, not really the voice of God. While I believe that God can and does speak, that skeptical voice does raise a good point: how do we know the difference? Frankly, "listening to my heart" and "listening to the Spirit of God" can sound the same. To make it worse: The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jer. 17:19) Our unchanged heart masquerades as the voice of God!

I have been there, thinking I was hearing God when, in fact, I was listening to a script prepared by heart that sounded holy and godly, but in fact was false. I wish I could hear it clearly, like Peter in the early church. He is walking to the temple and he hears a poor and crippled man asking him for money, stops, makes a brief speech and then heals the man (Acts 3). So here is the question that bothers me: How did he know? How did he know to stop that time and heal that man? I mean, he didn't stop for every one of the beggars or sick. How did he know that when he reached out his hand to pull the man to his feet that he would be able to stand that time? Who told Peter? God, obviously. But that require a level of intimacy with God and a level of awareness of God's voice that I don't have. I wish I did, but I don't.

So I have to rely on some guidelines I've developed, to help me keep out of trouble. They are not gospel, they are just guidelines based on the Bible, my experience with myself and observations from others who I trust.

1. Whether something is difficult or easy is not an indicator as to whether it should be done or not.
2. My heart is more concerned about the way something looks that what it really is. Personal descent is sometimes the path of wisdom.
3. If my thoughts center around a person, rather than the goal, I'm probably not on the right track.
4. I should expect that God will pull me in directions that I wouldn't normally consider, because He is God and I am not. Some rebukes are painful, others are refreshing. All can be learned from.
5. I don't like confrontation, so I have to watch my heart most carefully when I might anger or disappoint someone by my decisions.

Proverbs 2:11-15: A Little Bit Shady

Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you. Wisdom will save you from [those] whose paths are crooked and who are devious in their ways. - Prov. 2:11-12a, 15

When I was attending a recent seminar put on by Control System Cyber Security Association International (CS2AI), the presenter, Rahner James, described the type of professional who would excel in the IT security industry as having to be "a little bit shady." This was an updated take on the adage "it takes a thief to catch a thief", presuming that there was a different approach to securing your IT infrastructure if you understood how a hacker might look at it. Your web services don't need to defend against people who use it the way it was intended. Rather, once a system is defined, the hacker finds the cracks in the interfaces and the weaknesses in the safeguards, skirting around the boundaries to gain access. Fair people tend to think others will treat them fairly, while deceitful people assume everyone is trying to cheat them.

One of the attendees of the seminar objected to this requirement. He didn't want to think his moral compass had to be compromised in order to do his job well. I sympathized with him, because I have seen security blindness and I could also see how a glimpse into the dark side might give us insight into the means and motives of attack.

Then James gave an analogy that helped me understand. Hackers, he claimed, divided the world into two categories: sheep and wolves. They are the wolves and IT is the fence protecting the sheep. By challenging the IT security, they are proving themselves--seeing how good and talented they really are. If they win, they are rewarded with financial gain or notoriety. If they lose, they try again, or they get caught. No risk, no reward.

But IT security people see the world in three categories: sheep, wolves and sheep dogs. Sheep dogs have similar genetic makeup and similar instincts and similar tools with wolves, but they win when the sheep are safe and the lose when the sheep go down.

Jesus expressed his own role in slightly different terms:

I am the gate for the sheep. All who have come before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep have not listened to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. - John 10:7b-10

Maybe, being "a little bit shady" means remembering the way we are all inclined to be without God. Jesus warned his disciples "I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves" (Matt. 10:16) We look for the angle. We try to get around rules. We look for loopholes. We take advantage of the goodwill of helpful people. People in security have to have a determination to protect that is as strong as the ambition to penetrate.

What is it like to understand the full extent of evil (Genesis 2), but not be evil yourself? I don't know, but I want to move forward with the right heart motivations.

What is it like to be a good God, see the full extent of deception in the hearts of men and women, and still love those who are a little bit (or a lot) shady? I don't know, but I am sure glad he does.

1 Timothy 6:6: The Tale of Two CTOs

Just as you must pursue contentment, the paradox is that you also must pursue your dreams wholeheartedly.[1]

This morning I was mulling over a recent decision within my company to give me fewer new requisitions for new employees. I requested the new hires because the roadmap for our product was going to strain the limits of my small team: a new product already committed would start in only three months and we were still putting the finishing touches on our last two products. Yet, as I told my wife, I was at peace with the whole situation, and that struck me as odd, since I'm normally more of the worrier. But not today. My wife's comment was telling: "You have grown in this area."

One of the difficulties for me as an employee is the tension between contentment and dreaming. During my first stint as a CTO (Chief Technology Officer), I was invited to take part in a number of seminars and conferences where they asked my opinion about the pressing industry questions of the day because I was a subject-matter expert (SME). Then I would interact with some of the brightest thinkers in the PC industry, from major computer software and hardware companies about what the future would look like.

Then I would return back to my real job and try to convince the senior management that we should invest in some of these ideas: time, resources and people. But the truth was, we were so intent on the minutiae of day-to-day business that lifting our collective head to look at some of these opportunities was just too much work. So I was schizophrenic, discussing these big ideas with industry leaders but unable to get my company interested in them. The gap between my dreams and my actual situation grew until I gave up my CTO job and went back to being a senior architect.

This tension between longing and satisfaction torments many employees. In general, the American workplace encourages discontent by encouraging us to compare and look for the next opportunity. We are often dared to move, but seldom dared to stay. "Contentment ... is your choice to stay and grow and excel, for a season, regardless of current circumstances."[1]

At the same time, running away fromt the tension-toward complacency-stifles the soul. I backed away from the untenable situation into a role where the dreams were smaller but it was a season of growth in other areas.

Then, several years later, the company went through a bit of a turbulent time and I decided to look around for a new position. During one conversation, the interviewer asked me what position I was interviewing for and I was stumped! I had to ask to reschedule the rest of the interview! So I went away and when we talked again, I was ready: "CTO" The dream had been reignited and my fears had abated, so that I was willing again--this time in a larger company.

Even then I wasn't sure of my motives. During times of prayer over the next few weeks I prayed that my heart would be ready to hear God's "yes" or "no" to this new position-to surrender my goals into his hands with equanimity. Honestly, I was ready.

God did place me in a new company. But I will not forget the lessons of contentment vs. dreaming.

This plays into our spiritual lives as well. Paul said:

But godliness with contentment is great gain. - 1 Timothy 6:6

Godliness can be a demanding task master, if we let it. With Jesus as the highest standard, everything can be more, more, better, better, whether personally, working with a church or in serving others. After all, it was Paul who said, "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:12) The difference between the dream of who I could be, or how the church could be, can drive you crazy with discontent.[2]

But Jesus also said, "[Y]ou will find rest for your souls. My yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:30). Any time I find that the gap between my dreams and my satisfaction is too large, I realize I have tied myself to the wrong taskmaster--it isn't Jesus. Many times, it is the slow, steady plodding through today that brings me to the place where God wants me to be.




[1] As highlighted previously in this blog series. See Leading from the Second Chair, M. Bonem & R. Patterson.
[2] The context, before and after, is dealing with money. Paul applies this general principle of the relationship between godliness and contentment to the specific case of people trying to get ahead financially. Godliness without contentment is discontented, even arrogant ambition. Contentment without godliness is either complacent or misdirected. Without godliness or contentment you have the fool of Proverbs.