James 1:19: "Yes, And" Attitude

One of the famous axioms of improvisational comedy is the use of the phrase "Yes, and" at the start of your response to what another person says. As Scott McDowell describes it, "No matter what your fellow actors present to you, instead of negating it, belittling it, or disagreeing with it, your job is to say, “Yes, and…”  Accept the scenario as it’s presented to you (regardless of where you wanted it to go), and then to add to it. "[1]

I first heard this phrase in a valedictorian speech for my daughter's graduation. But, while some business thinkers have grabbed on to this as a tool for brainstorming[2], it has become my new proverb for listening well.

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry - James 1:19b

How does "Yes, and" help with that?

1. It reminds me to reaffirm what I just heard and indicate that I agree. I don't always agree, but I find that 90% of the time, I actually do agree, but was too impatient to say so in my hurry to move on to the following implications. Being an engineer, I like to optimize my conversations with other people and build on what they have just said, taking their previous statement as a given. Fewer words. But it doesn't always work. Many times I have found that my partner in conversation doesn't take that for granted. They are often left trying to parse my words to discover whether I am agreeing or disagreeing with them. A simple word "Yes" tells them I heard them, I have understood what they said and that we are substantially on the same page. Then the word "and" lets them know I am building on that thought.
2. Thinking about "Yes, and" as my default response allows me to try another person's perspective. In my job, there was a plan that management was considering that I thought was foolish; putting our company in a vulnerable position. The objection was a roadblock from my considering the other issues related to our course of action. My boss called me into is office and said, in effect, "So, if we do this, how do we give the company the best chance at success?" I said, "It is so dumb..." He said, "Yes, yes, but assuming that this is what we're going to do, what can we do to give us the shot?" Defaulting to Yes, and" forces me to consider seriously what it would mean to agree with the assumptions that someone else is putting forward and what it would mean for me to build on top of that. Considering that slows me down and gives me a better view.
3. It lessens the chance of getting angry. Why is it that my default responses start with "No" or "Yes, but..."? In the midst of a discussion my focus can switch from finding a solution to winning the argument. How often has my need to be right has led me to say "No" for no other reason than to set myself apart from another person? Because I didn't like them or my feelings had been hurt, I was determined to not be "Yes, and" with them. It also avoids Hanlon's Razor, "Never attribute to malice that which is better explained by stupidity" (and, I would add) ", even my own."

Of course, I don't always agree. I don't want to mislead. I want my "yes" to be yes (Matt. 5:37) But starting from "Yes, and" and then deciding if I want to change it leads to better listening, more careful consideration of other possibilities and fewer angry situations.

[1]Scott McDowell, The “Yes, And…” Approach: Less Ego, More Openness, More Possibility, http://99u.com/articles/7183/the-yes-and-approach-less-ego-more-openness-more-possibility, retrieved on May 5, 2017
[2]"Yes, and...", https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yes,_and..., retrieved on May 5, 2017