John 2:24: Full Disclosure?

Impressions are vitally important in the Church, it seems. We must make sure that people think we are spiritual, or at least desirous of being spiritual. We want them to believe our families are attaining all the right goals and ideals. We hope that people see us as if we have it together in our marriages, our jobs, and most of all in our walk with Christ.. - Pastor Craig Miller[1]

The acronym TMI tells me that I am sharing Too Much Information-details not appropriate for the situation or audience. Sometimes things come out of my mouth that members of my family wished were not a part of public discourse. Maybe it is about them. Or maybe it is about me that makes them question if their is (or should be) a familial connection.

Why? Because we want to control how other people perceive us and some "information" gives people the wrong impression. We (or, at least, I) want people to think that I am smart, compassionate, and in touch with modern culture. This is impression management - "a self-crafted means of getting others to believe what we want them to believe about us — but not necessarily believing what’s true."[2]

Not just for the insecure or precipitously famous, impression management is a skill that we all develop because we quickly learn that people react to you based on what they see rather than who you are.

We can see this in marriages. Vernon Edmonds used the term marriage conventionalization: "The extent to which a person distorts the appraisal of his marriage in the direction of social desirability."[3] That is, how hard does each spouse work to create the impression that you have the marriage that everyone else expects you have.

So there is this tension between, on one hand, wanting to be authentic with people and, on the other, knowing that not everyone can be trusted. One only has to remember what was repeated inadvertently by our kids in public. Church people can be a tough crowd because they have a whole other set of expectations. Even Jesus dealt with this tension:

But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all people. - John 2:24

Keeping a close watch on him, they sent spies, who pretended to be sincere. They hoped to catch Jesus in something he said... - Luke 20:20a 

Ok. That makes me feel a little better. Why? Because they barely knew him. They weren't committed to him or, worse, were actively against him. Disclosure is tied to trust. Later, when he had spent three years with a group of twelve guys apprenticed to him, he finally said:

I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. - John 15:15

Even then, it hurt, because one sold him out, one denied him and the rest abandoned him in fear. But Jesus established circles of disclosure: the three (Peter, James, John), the twelve, the seventy-two (Luke 10), and then the crowd. In each circle, Jesus is authentic but not exhaustively so. The transfiguration is for the three (Matthew 17); his high-priestly prayer (John 17) for the twelve, his commission (Luke 10) for the seventy-two; the parables for the crowd.

Why? Jesus spoke what was necessary for those who heard, at the time they were ready to hear it. 

Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. - Matthew 7:6

Often Jesus would tell a story to one group, but only give the detailed explanation to his disciples. Again, authentic disclosure, but different levels of disclosure.

How does this work in life?

1. Speak with purpose. Your life story is meant to be used for God's glory. Not for yours.
2. Speak truth, but only as much as will make sense, given the listener's familiarity with your character and life situation.
3. Speak with compassion. Are you practicing hearing your words as if you were them?

I'm still working on how this works out and have that my modeling of another person's situation is often flawed so that what I intended for good is sometimes useless or even harmful. This is humbling and makes me grateful for the insight and words given by the Spirit of God to translate my good intentions into words that match.

[1] Pastor Craig Miller, The Road to Wholeness Is Blocked By Good Impressions, The Village Pastor (blog), https://gbcvillagepastor.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-road-to-wholeness-is-blocked-by.html, retrieved on May 7, 2017
[2] John Ortberg, The Life You've Always Wanted, Zondervan (2002)
[3]Vernon H Edmonds, Marital Conventionalization: Definition and Measurement, Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol. 29, No. 4 (Nov., 1967), pp. 681-688

James 1:19: "Yes, And" Attitude

One of the famous axioms of improvisational comedy is the use of the phrase "Yes, and" at the start of your response to what another person says. As Scott McDowell describes it, "No matter what your fellow actors present to you, instead of negating it, belittling it, or disagreeing with it, your job is to say, “Yes, and…”  Accept the scenario as it’s presented to you (regardless of where you wanted it to go), and then to add to it. "[1]

I first heard this phrase in a valedictorian speech for my daughter's graduation. But, while some business thinkers have grabbed on to this as a tool for brainstorming[2], it has become my new proverb for listening well.

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry - James 1:19b

How does "Yes, and" help with that?

1. It reminds me to reaffirm what I just heard and indicate that I agree. I don't always agree, but I find that 90% of the time, I actually do agree, but was too impatient to say so in my hurry to move on to the following implications. Being an engineer, I like to optimize my conversations with other people and build on what they have just said, taking their previous statement as a given. Fewer words. But it doesn't always work. Many times I have found that my partner in conversation doesn't take that for granted. They are often left trying to parse my words to discover whether I am agreeing or disagreeing with them. A simple word "Yes" tells them I heard them, I have understood what they said and that we are substantially on the same page. Then the word "and" lets them know I am building on that thought.
2. Thinking about "Yes, and" as my default response allows me to try another person's perspective. In my job, there was a plan that management was considering that I thought was foolish; putting our company in a vulnerable position. The objection was a roadblock from my considering the other issues related to our course of action. My boss called me into is office and said, in effect, "So, if we do this, how do we give the company the best chance at success?" I said, "It is so dumb..." He said, "Yes, yes, but assuming that this is what we're going to do, what can we do to give us the shot?" Defaulting to Yes, and" forces me to consider seriously what it would mean to agree with the assumptions that someone else is putting forward and what it would mean for me to build on top of that. Considering that slows me down and gives me a better view.
3. It lessens the chance of getting angry. Why is it that my default responses start with "No" or "Yes, but..."? In the midst of a discussion my focus can switch from finding a solution to winning the argument. How often has my need to be right has led me to say "No" for no other reason than to set myself apart from another person? Because I didn't like them or my feelings had been hurt, I was determined to not be "Yes, and" with them. It also avoids Hanlon's Razor, "Never attribute to malice that which is better explained by stupidity" (and, I would add) ", even my own."

Of course, I don't always agree. I don't want to mislead. I want my "yes" to be yes (Matt. 5:37) But starting from "Yes, and" and then deciding if I want to change it leads to better listening, more careful consideration of other possibilities and fewer angry situations.

[1]Scott McDowell, The “Yes, And…” Approach: Less Ego, More Openness, More Possibility, http://99u.com/articles/7183/the-yes-and-approach-less-ego-more-openness-more-possibility, retrieved on May 5, 2017
[2]"Yes, and...", https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yes,_and..., retrieved on May 5, 2017