Matthew 18:15-20: Private Before Public

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

“Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

“Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” - Matthew 18:15-20

In many of the villages and towns where Christians would later walk, who could you ask to settle disputes? In Israel, the city gates you would find elders known for fairness and wisdom who could be called upon to judge between people and whose judgement would be enforced by the authority of the town leaders. Jesus reacted to someone who called upon him, a stranger, to act in this role “Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?” (Luke 12:14) 

But where did you go when in not in Israel any more? You would turn to the synagogue or the church. Paul chided the believers, saying, "I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers?" (1 Cor 6:5)

Of course, the best resolution is that the two parties involved could just talk and resolve it: "If they sin, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you." How do you start this conversation? At this stage, the goal is to stop the destructive behavior before its effects are irredeemable. It is a test to see whether there is regret and if so, "If they listen to you, you have won them over. But..." 

But what? Up to this point, it has been one on one-just two people discussing something. Maybe you are wrong. Maybe you misunderstood or inflated what you saw. Maybe you will be accused of slander. So you bring a few others into the case who can listen with discernment. They will see whether this is as you originally presented it or not. If it wasn't or they see signs of genuine resolution, then it ends there. 

But what if it was a problem and the person you approached does not agree, does not regret, does not change? Then you take it to the next level: the church. 

Why the church? Because, in the hostile culture of the day, the was little chance of getting fair hearing. The church would select elders to hear and decide.  At this point in the process, we have arrived at confrontation. While the losing party might comply with the decision, it rarely results in reconciliation. and the people have to be ready for the outcome "if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector" 

What I hear most clearly from this is: privately before publicly and then don't trust your own judgement. 

Matthew 18:22: Apologize Often, Forgive Freely

Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity - Hanlon's Razor

There is malice. There is stupidity. Don't mix them up.

When David writes, "They repay me evil for good, and hatred for my friendship." (Ps. 109:5), it sounds familiar.  Stories told and words misquoted. Merit ignored or squashed. Helpfulness spat upon. Plans ridiculed. We all maintain a catalog of offenses against us, indexed by time, person and subject matter. The worst ones are those calculated deliberately to hurt.

Once a restaurant featured their special of the day on a large sign outside-a mouthwatering entree at an attractive price. How sad was the face of the waiter who came to tell me that there was a mistake and the special was not available

Likewise, how humbling to find that among my cataloged entries of offenses, there was no malice at all, merely ignorance? I had been holding on to my anger, nursing it along, the pages of that catalog entry dog-eared from my repeated recollections. Only to find that there was no ill-will, just ill-conceived, or ignorant or, at worst, thoughtless. How much time and energy was wasted.

Worse, I know that I have often been misunderstood because I am dumb or tactless or blind. I also know how difficult it has been to convince the other person (or people) of my sheer stupidity. I get it. It is energizing about holding on to that anger and that sense that they were wrong and I was right. Giving that up leaves my pain, in some sense, unaccounted for.

But because I am so prone to it myself, I came up with this phrase to reinforce a best practice in my life: Apologize often; forgive freely. 

I recognize that I make mistakes--foolish, unintentional, hurtful mistakes-all the time. Or I suspect that I do, but am not sure. So I'd better just apologize often and up front to defuse hurt feelings. Preemptive apologizing.

I also realize that others do the same to me. Rather than speculate on their motives. Rather than presume malice. So I will forgive freely. In Jesus' bookkeeping terms:

I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. - Matthew 18:22

However, this week, I realized that my habit was fraying. Situations were left with forgiveness unspoken and apologies unoffered. I didn't realize it until I was reading a bishop's sermon in the detective novel, Precious and Grace, where he says: "My brothers and sisters: do not be afraid to profess forgiveness."[1]

The word "afraid" struck me. Yes, I had become afraid. Unwilling. Stubborn. Needing to go back to Jesus and tell him I'd been hoarding his forgiveness and not extending it to others. Afraid to give up feeling wronged, so that I could feel I was right.

The word "profess" challenged me to say the words. "It is forgiven." Not just rid from my heart, but making it all the way to my lips. "It is finished."

How about you? Are you tightfisted with your apologies or your forgiveness? Me, too. But let us apologize often today, and forgive freely today. As Jesus prayed:

Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. - Luke 11:4

[1] Alexander McCall Smith, Precious and Grace